hello everyone ^^
what up ?? :) :)
i'm so so so happy ^^ ^^
do you know why ???
because SCHOOL HAS FINISHED
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY !!!!!
finally i finish this year
i'm just tired and i want to sleep U____U
but i wont because right now, i want to take care more of my blogs
you know, it been a long time without visiting Tumblr, Favim, Twitter etc
and it make me feel like i'm older and i was in another world XD
well, i think i was seriously in another world, cause it been 4 weeks ago, i got some kind of depression and bipolar disorder XP
it wasnt funny at all, i lost my energy, my love for reading, doing sport, surfing internet, fashion, and even eating !!
i was like the whole time : ahhhh let me just sleep, i hate this world !!
and even music, like for example, before when i heard a song, i feel it, i feel like i'm walking on air , and then i start to dance, and the song stay in my head for a long time .
but in the last 4 weeks, i was like : yeah it cool, it cool, i like it
and i listen to music without moving.
i start to think that i got depression, but sometimes i feel kind of explosive happiness without anyreason, and it make me think i got bipolar desorder too XD
Goddammit !! it make so confused
anyway, i was looking for the reasons of those problems and i actually know them well :
1. School
yep, school, teachers, exams, other students r the first reasons to got this
just imagine, wake up at 5 am at the morning and leaving your warm bed and your beautiful room to go for a place where everybody got ugly faces and judge you and say things to you, do this and do that , giving you exam in a non-right time and at the end they give you homeworks to do at home, who make you look like you were doing nothing at all the whole day.
AND you do all this bullshit and you work hard, and if you just did a mistake .... they forget the good things that you did, and make for the little bad one a big deal .
2. diabetes
i got diabetes since 2 years right now, it been 2 years that i use 4 needles at day and doing blood test every 3 monthes for visiting doctor.
Medically, people with chronic diseases ,disabilities and genetic diseases are more susceptible to get those kind of mental and psychiatric disorders, because having those diseases make you (if you wasnt strong) hate yourself and doesnt respect the power of your body.
that happen almost all the times to me when people want me to do something that i cant do it, for example , when my sport teacher want me to run for a long distance, of course i cant , cause runing to much make sugar really low in my blood (it called Hypoglycemia) and it really dangerous . so thinking about "cant do something because of my own disease" make me feel sad and hate myself.
3. my Lover
my emotional life is tense, just like all of teenagers are, and this is why i write this "me and my lover" story, it a real story, it doesnt talk about my life with love only, it talk about my life with life itself, and loving someone for the first time is the biggest part of my life now.
loving someone is not easy, especially when the one who you love doesnt got the same feeling as you, or doesnt care about how you feel, or doesnt even know how you feel .
and it my problem with my lover, my relationship with him is not really a real relationship, i dont know if he love me or not, even if i'm sure he dont , and i dont know if he know my feeling about him, even if i'm sure he do XD XP
you may think i'm crazy, but ... whatever XP
people and girls especially annoy us all the time, yes, our society is fucked up, they think always about the nasty things and forget the pure things wish it the feelings of the heart.
you know what ??
my brain always tell me to stop
but my heart say i cant ...
4. trust
i lost trust in alot of people around me, even the one that i love the most, wish it give me a big shock who take me into depression and bipolar disorder.
sometimes i really hate humans and get scared of them, i dont get scared of monsters and devils because i think human is a devil itself !!!
people do bad things behind me and act like angels in front of me , seriously ??
all of the girls that i make them as my best friends, and then they leave me broken ??
why, they do that to me ??
do i really deserve that ???
they think they r smart, but they all just look stupid , because i'm smarter.
5. atelophobia and taking responsibility
so this one is complicated because there 2 things :
the first, is atelophobia, and it mean the fear of not being good enough .
the second one is taking responsibility of what i do and what i dont
to me, there a relation btw the two sometimes , like i take responsibility of the things that i cant do them because of my fear of not being good at them, or i take responsability of them because i wasnt really good at doing them, and sometimes there no-relation btw the two, for example, my diabetes make my parents get scared for me and sick since 2 years right now.
my parents always get angry of me and tell me in front of my face that i'm responsible of their fears and sadness, and they forget that even if i look good or i dont care, i'm broken from the inside without telling anybody and say that i'm fine, while i'm not.
i understand their feelings and i respect it, and i understand that they dont said that because they hate me and of course they doesnt mean that for sure.
6. medecines and drugs
(ps: calm down, i dont take drugs, i dont smoke, okay ??)
what i meant with drugs, is medecines who got a proportion of drugs.
i was taking them when i was at hospital, it been 2 years.
you may asking why, well , it because of sleeping
i cant sleep at hospital, and i was doing problem all the times, until i was about to kill the doctor XD XD .
so that the reason why i take them, and i think that they r the reasons of my problems now .
okay, so just like how i said in the "part 7 of my and my lover" , i didnt take more medecines, except one, a magnesium medecine who work good , and i eat foods who make me happy, like sardines, fish, chocolate, coconuts ^^ and of course, i start to pray, religion and blieving in god is very important to fight those kinds of diseases, and i really feel better right now, plus i never think about suicide so
thanks to Allah, alhamdulillah <3 <3
anyhow, yesterday, we the students said goodbye to each others, even if we got problems btw us this year, i should admit that i really got Good times with them and i love them all, except my ex-best friend, after all the things she did to me and my lover, i would never forgive her, i really hate her right now.
so that all XP see you soon ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
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